Marriage Tip #1: SHOCKING THE RAT

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

In seven years of college, thirty years of pastoring, and forty years of marriage I’ve learned some things that can take marital life from bad to good and from good to great.  I won’t spend a lot of time on why these tips are important, the 50% divorce rate, as well as your own knowledge on marriages potential risks should be enough to peak your interest.

The Tip: Don’t Shock the Rat

 In all corners of life, from our earliest years in school, to working in the business world, we’ve always had a plan before us, tasks couldn’t be accomplished without them, in school we had syllabuses, in the business world, corporate meetings fill the bill. These plans are usually pressed upon us by the school or businesses.  Think about it, our days, weeks, and months, are marked out ahead of us, all we have to do is do A, then B, then C, and do them on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. In order for life to run smoothly we have calendars, cell phone reminders, post-it-notes, a secretary, a spouse, or bosses helping us follow the plan.

We even have to have massive organization to handle our kid’s sports, and activities. Children aren’t just adorable little children, they are super stars performing on many and varied stages, and our lives are filled with the joy they receive from them, and we for watching them, but scheduling van rides, practices, pick-ups, drop-offs, and the games themselves, three kids, three sports, one day, two parents, two cars, what to do? Why Schedule of course, we survive and thrive off of planning. Can you imagine what our lives would be like if we had no plans, no schedules,  and our days were helter skelter, random, and unknown? They would be a mess.

To be successful we’ve planned out every part of our lives, except that is, for our marriages. With marriage we have no plan; we live like accidental tourists on a foreign land, our main strategy is hope, and hope is a bad strategy. Let me tell you a true little story about the importance of having a plan for our marriages, one that includes when to discuss big issues, little issues, serious problems, and life’s challenges.

The story is about a bunch of rats, and for this story you can put yourself with them in the gages. This rat story truth can be applied to all relationships, not just marriages, but they are especially affective in marriages.

The story was told to me in my “Pastoral Counseling” Masters Class, the context of the story was “What is the biggest hurdle marriages face when dealing with disagreements?”The professor said “It’s that marriages shock the rat daily.”

Shocking the Rat:

A few years ago scientists did an experiment with healthy, white lab rats, their cages were set at a perfect temperature, as well as having plenty of food, water and soothing music, they even had a turning play wheel for their amusement, the only caveat was that they attached tiny electrodes to shock the rat at random times, the rate of the shock stayed the same, as did the number of shocks. The scientists soon knew what the rat knew, life was hell. The rats first lost their desire to play on the wheel, than their appetites diminished, soon after they started losing their hair, then they turned angry, biting the cages, then themselves. The shocks were never enough to kill the rats, just enough to throw them in a tailspin.

After some time the scientist switched the experiment, the shock levels stayed the same, as did the amounts in the day, the only difference was they put the shocks on a timer, soon the rat’s inner clock determined when the next shock was coming, they would stop what they were doing, brace themselves, get shocked and go on with their day. Day after day this went on, same levels, same amounts, but now the shocks were structured. The rat’s coats came back; their playing came back, as did their appetites, as well as the loss of biting.

Soon the scientists saw that the rats would be playing on the wheel, jump off, brace themselves, get shocked and get back on the wheel and play like nothing had ever happened.

The scientist findings?  Rats need structure in handling life’s shocks. The reason for the experiment was to find out how we humans might better handle our marital shocks through intentional structuring.

The professor was a Doctor with a counseling practice; he suggests to all his married clients that they need to structure a set day to handle issues and disagreements, preferably a date night, with simple listening tools in place. I suggested that I recommend couples use a dateless weekly calendar, so they can organize their lives and discuss important issues as they would in a business meeting, but I went even further, I suggested they calendar who watches their television shows on what days and times, instead of watching the husbands attack the remote buttons like they were hot to the touch, I even suggested intimacy dates on the calendar, no shocking the rat stuff here.   

Married life is filled with random, untimed, and unwelcomed shocking the rat moments. Husbands having a tough day, drive home looking for their safe, nurturing environment, often times find their wives wants to address his important stuff, like his sloppiness, overdue bills, the faucet is leaking, the car is making a funny noise, their son has an ear ring, their daughter a new tattoo, or he needs to run an errand before he kicks off his shoes and puts his slippers on, all small shocks for sure, but shocks never the less. This scenario happens constantly to both spouses, life is random enough without us hoisting unexpected problems, criticisms and suggestions on each other, frustration on both sides can set in, and when things don’t get addressed or discussed in a calm way, a shocking the rat cycle becomes cage fighting.

The Tip: Pick a day to discuss big issues, mark your calendar with times you want to be shocked. You’ll expect them and you will handle them a lot better because you know that the shocking day is coming, you can plan for it, pray over it, read soothing Psalms about it. You are smarter than rats, right. Don’t shock the rat randomly anymore, pick your shocking moments, plan for them, pick your day and put it on a calendar, you’ll eat better, look better, feel better, be happier, and probably mate better.