Marriage Tip #3 What is the Single Greatest Hindrance to a Great Marriage?

A few years ago Carol and I were asked to present a marriage seminar at a friend’s Valentine evening dinner special at their church; the crowd would be couples of every age, including all the churches ministry staff, including the Sr. Pastor and his wife whom Carol and I had been friends for years. The preparation for the night ‘s dinner presentation was detail Valentines, red and white table clothes, flower center pieces, little heart shaped “hot” candies spread over each tables, and special heart shaped name places. Desserts of all sorts spread upon long tables ushering us into the transformed sanctuary.

The only thing need to make the night a romantic juggernaut was an inspirational presentation.  The small hitch to this was the fact that Carol and I had never made an inspirational presentation together, to add to that, Carol had never been asked to speak for 30 minutes to a highly expecting audience.

Naked best explains standing in front of an audience unprepared; preparation was the key to success, perspiration would be our work ethic, prayer our anchor. We both knew there were no God guarantees; the best prepared, best intentioned people have gone down in flames in front of disappointing audiences. 

What to say, how to say it, would it stand up to biblical scrutiny by the churches staff, would anyone be moved to change their lives by what we’d said? The weight of the evening was palpable.

After much prayer and scriptural searching we had the skeleton for our talk, now how to present it? We decided on our Tandem Bicycle and riding gear (helmets, gloves, matching riding shirts, riding pants and clip-in-riding shoes,) as our props and focus.  We loaded everything in our van and headed an hour down highway 10 to the night of love.

The night was filled with electricity and expectation. The setting was perfect. The house was full. Our moment had arrived, I was to set our talk up by asking a question for everyone to consider and respond to audibly. The question: “What is the single greatest hindrance to a great marriage?” After allowing enough time for discussion I took their guesses, and after ten responses, there still wasn’t a close answer, only multiple variations on sex, money, in-laws, parental differences, time management, etc.

Self-Centeredness was the answer to my question as to "What is the greatest hindrance to a great marriage."

Carol and I used the Tandem Bicycle as our theme prop because when we went to buy the bicycle I was asked by the salesman in hushed tones “Do you have a great marriage?” I thought the question odd for a bicycle salesman, but after I asked him “What?” he repeated the question as clear as a bell and with as much emphases as drill sergeant asking you if you’re gun is loaded before a battle. I said “Yes, we have a great marriage.” He said “Is it good, or great?” I said why do you keep asking about my marriage? He said that if you don’t have a great marriage, riding a Tandem will ruin it.” I said “Why do you say that?” He said that people who ride Tandems really have to put the other person as number one, and it takes clear, precise communication, especially from the man.”

The woman rides behind the man, the man is in front because he produces 60% of the power and needs his upper body strength to stabilize the bike from all the woman’s movements. The woman was riding blind and needed a very caring front person to explain in very encouraging and calm ways what was they were coming upon, holes in the ground, decisions to move left or right, and mounting and dismounting orders.

Self-Centeredness is the downfall to all Tandem riders, likewise with marriage partners, if you can’t make the other person number one, your road trip will be filled with frustration, disappointments and deep routed resentments.

The Tandem Bicycle was a perfect theme prop, our scripture was Philippians 2:3-5 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” This is the scripture I use in pre-marriage counseling in the weddings; it is one I confidently attest to being fool proof in making one’s marriage super.

Carol and I took turns telling stories about our Tandem Bicycle trip of 500 miles across Iowa, and across 30 years of marital trails. We know of what we spoke. We were experts. The audience was mesmerized by the presentations truth. Carol was flawless as a presenter and is as a life partner.

If you make others the center of your actions in service, consideration and communication, they will reciprocate, if not they will reciprocate. The choices are yours, be OTHER-CENTERED and ride across your life with greatness, or be YOU-CENTERED and you’ll hit every pot hole along the way which will make for a very bumpy ride.

Self-Centeredness: The term derives from the Greek and Latin ἑγώ / ego, meaning "I", "me", and "self". An egocentric person cannot fully empathize, i.e. "put himself in other peoples' shoes", and believes everyone sees what she/he sees (or that what he/she sees, in some way, exceeds what others see). It appears that this egocentric stance towards the world is present mostly in younger children and adults who’ve never got over considering themselves as the center piece of the marriages.

Shouldn’t Christ have been able to transform us from self-centeredness to others-centeredness over the years, just a little bit?

Others is the way of God, others is the way of the road less traveled, others is the way to greatness and happiness.