Marriage Tip #8 “Glass Houses, First Stones, and Logs”

The other day, well a lot of other days, I was driving down a street, a thousand streets, when I saw the most irksome thing ever, a person honked their horn at a another car going to the store, school, work, church, hospital, Pizza Hut, or the hardware store, whatever, the honked at person made a driving mistake, and had the wrath of the offended to deal with.

This was not a little horn honking that is often used to warn another, or in some extreme cases, letting another driver in line, this was an endless middle finger of sound penetrating the offender’s very soul.  This was a, "I caught you stealing from children horn honking, this was someone getting caught in the act of stealing from a Nun." If I hadn’t witnessed the incident myself I would’ve thought a terrible thing had occurred rather then just the run of the mill, million times a day, driving mistake, a mistake, not an intentional, a mistake, not an on purpose, but a mistake.

Here’s the rub of the honking, the honker has committed a thousand mistakes while driving, but he became incensed when another person did the same thing he’s done, over, and over, and over, and over, and for crying out loud, over again. Wow, people like this are the most irritating people on earth because they are willing to cast stones while they themselves have been caught with their pants down in public a gazillion times. But, oh, no brother, don’t ever think for a moment you can get away with a mistake in front of Orlando the offended.

Don’t you all feel the same as I, haven’t you seen this play out a hundred times in front of you, aren’t you a little frustrated with why people lambaste people for the very things they have done themselves?

This same frustrating thing takes place a gazillion times in marriage. Why do we get so angry, frustrated, undone, and hurt, when our mates do something offensive, intentional or not, when we have done the same thing ourselves, over, and over, and over, and over and over, and for crying out, loud over again?

Jesus told us if we are without sin then we can throw the first stone, no one did, but we do, pretty interesting stuff, what makes us not see ourselves before we start heaving the hard stuff? Jesus said before you take a splinter out of someone else, check the log in your own eye, in other words don’t. Sometimes we forget our own vulnerability and "throw stones" at other people in the form of criticism. A person might remind us that we too have our own faults and weaknesses by saying "people who live in glass houses should not throw stones". Example: "Look at what time it is... you are late again!" Answer: "Hey, how often are you not on time? People who live in glass houses should not throw stones."

What causes someone to be critical & intolerant of others? People who are overly critical of other people are usually very unhappy themselves and are simply projecting that onto everyone else they come into contact with. Here are some common emotions that cause some people to be overly critical:

• Being frustrated with their own lives
• Jealousy of others
• Having unmet goals
• General unhappiness
• Anger
• Self- loathing
• Feeling taken advantage of by other people
• Feeling unlucky or cursed in some way
• Inferiority complex
• Lack of self-confidence

So now what?

• Think before you speak – the next time you open your mouth to criticize someone or something, take a moment and really think about why you want to criticize that person. Is it them that has the problem, or is it more to do with you?
• Re-frame –  if an overly critical thought crosses your mind, try to think of something nice about that person to counteract it. It will make you feel better and could improve your feelings towards that person. This is very helpful, especially if the person is someone you love!
• Improve your self-image – if you are unhappy with your life, why not take active steps towards changing it, rather than blaming others for your situation? Exercise, take up a hobby or revamp your wardrobe – do anything that will make you feel good!
• Exercise and nutriton - exercising and eating well will enable you to be the best possible version of yourself you can be. Exercise increases the production of endorphins which will make you feel better and you’ll be less likely to criticize others. 
• Check you “Love Bank.” Marriages, like banks have deposits and withdraws, if you mate has put in a thousand dollars of help over the week, then when they take a fifty dollar withdraw (do a silly or hurtful thing) then realize that they haven’t bankrupt you. Just like at the bank, there is still money in the love bank. Get over the tiny withdraws and count the money in the bank.

FORGIVE!

Marriage Tip #7 “Help, I’m Being Held Hostage by My Heritage.”

Born Again.

Transformed.

The Old is Gone.

The New has Come.

Set Free.

If Anyone is in Christ, He is a New Creation.

What Counts is the New Creation.

We Are Born of the Spirit.

He Saved Us by Rebirth and Renewal by the Holy Spirit.

I’ve got a few question to ask, why don’t any of these scriptural truths, and a thousand Biblical others like them, have any impact on Christians today?

Why is Christian divorce equal to the worlds?

Why is Christian family dysfunction at an all time high, also equal to the worlds?

Why does Christian tithing equal the average annual giving of Atheists?

Why are there more Christian victims then victors in the 21st century, than there were in the 1st century?

Why is Christian church leadership (Elders & Pastors) at all time destructiveness, with strife, egotism, and Alfa Dogism taking a front seat to civility, unity, compassion, patience, support and Christ-likeness?

Why?

Here’s my thirty year in the ministry guess at the why questions:

People don’t trust Christ’s truths as much as they do their feelings and emotions, to them, one is real, the other is Idealistic, one is the engine that runs their actions and reactions, the other is Biblical euphuisms once tried, but now discarded. Christ is antiquity, and the now is the new ruler of the kingdom.

Marriages are filled, filled, filled with emotional heritage captives, you know the kind, the ones that say something like…“My Family Screwed Me Up,” “They knocked me down and I can’t get up,” “If you knew what my_ _ _ _ _ _ _  did to me, you’d understand why I’m unhappy and why I’m making my marriage my personal garage, stuffed full of my old family junk.” There is a new T.V. program called “Hoarders Gone Wild,” which shows the terrible damage hording junk has on a person’s life, but that type of hoarding pales in comparison to the damage done to the captives of “heritage hoarders.”

I get it, I get it, all of our parents were sinners, but don’t we have a new father, who has articulated to us our true value as a human beings, if true, why are we so keen on letting sinners define who we are, why don’t we let God define us?

I think there is something oddly attractive to having a scape-goat for our behavior, you know, a default button for us when life gets dull or tough. And parents are the best default button of all, who could argue with us, parents have become the new, Satan, who are all powerful, and able to bind us to sin forever.

What we need to become victors is to align ourselves to the ultimate victor, “The” overcomer, the one and only, Christ. Yes indeed, we are built to be overcomers just like Jesus, we can chose to be victims or victors, he’s done the work, all we have to do is to apply his principles to our marriages and follow him in the details of the faith, pretty easy really. No fuse, no muse, just a little step to the right.

Easy stuff really, just treat others and ourselves like Jesus would…today, not tomorrow, just…today, not even today, just for an…hour, well not really an hour, just a few…minutes, well, not really minutes just the…seconds before us. Can’t we be perfect for a few seconds? If someone came to you and said they would give you ten million dollars if you would make your marriage the greatest it’s ever been today, would you do it, could you do it? Of course you could and would, so if you can do it for money, then that means you can do it. Nike said “Just Do It.” Go ahead, just do it, it’ll be worth millions.

Really people, why doesn’t Christ work? Has his abilities waned over the years, are his truths less truthful in the twenty-first century, than they were in the first century? Maybe Jesus a liar, or just a kidder.

Are you a born again Christian, who’s having problems in your marriage? Are you pulling the “Family Card” out of your sleeve in order to win? Come on, drop the hoarding, and take you finger off the default button, give love a chance.

Are you being held hostage by your heritage? I am, you see when Christ gave me a new Father, a new brother and savior, and a new all trusting spiritual companion for guidance, I too become captive to my heritage…the new one, you know, the one that works, the old one sucks.  

Leaving Comments on WorthWrting

I think I've figured out why so many of you couldn't leave a message. On my Kona blog I had put as a choice under the comment box as one of the profile choices "Anonymous," the others were google accounts, wordpress, etc. Some people have google so they've been able to leave comments, but now anyone should be able to leave a comment if you chose anonymous as your profile choice.

IT IS EASY: At the bottom of each of my of my posts is a comment area, click on that and it will open a text box, write your comment in the box, then under the box it has a "Comment as" box, it will say "select profile", click on that and it will give you options, go all the way to the bottom for anonymous. Once you chose anonymous than simply click "Post Comment" bar below.

BUT...if you chose anonymous would you please give your name within your comments, something like "Dick, this is Jane Doe, I really thought your post was the most brilliant thing I've ever read, in all my under grad work and Doctorate work, I've never been so enlightened, you are simply the most brilliant writer I've ever come across." Something like that would do.

Once you leave your comment it will be posted next to the article for everyone to see, so, if you want to leave a hurtful comment, but you don't want me, or anyone else to know who you are, don't leave your Jane Doe. Anonymous, or your name, will appear at the top of your comment...you can see how others have done it, I've left a few short comments to test it out...

I would really like to hear from you, thanks for being part of my blog, God's blessings, Dick

Pants on the Ground, Pants on the Ground

One of the fun programs on television is “American Idol,” it is filled with drama, talent, bizarreness, luck, divine guidance, dreams and nightmares come true depending on the contestants. It is as they say in the business “great T.V.,” but it is the bizarreness that most attracts me, last year was a classic. A homeless black man who went by the name of General Larry Platt, who in his sixties, was bizarre enough to make it in front of the three judges and cameras, everyone, including Larry, knew he had no chance, merely due his age, but this was “great T.V.”, so when the judges finished talking he began to sing the soon to be viral hit classic “Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, nothing but fools with their pants on the ground.”A clothing line soon followed, as did bumper stickers, tattoos, as well as making the “View,” and the Minnesota Vikings lockeroom as a fight song.

The other day I walked about a mile to the gym Carol and I belong to, I’m working extra hard to lose weight for my upcoming double knee replacement surgery, so working out and dieting have become an obsession, withing my regular workouts I’m also doing a lot of pre-surgery conditioning to strengthen my core, legs and upper body, so walking to the gym every once in awhile only adds to the effort.

On my walk home I decided to make a detour off the streets and walk Mission Viejo’s Country Clubs very private cart paths, this felt less naughty because it had rained for days and I knew no one would be out playing. The sun was beating faithfully though windows in the abundantly powerful clouds, full of white and substance, the air was cool with a gentle breeze keeping your senses alert.  I had a hooded sweat shirt, short workout pants, a tank top and nothing but time.

As I walked the steep cart path along the first hole (Actually the 15^th) on my walk, I was under a canopy of Fir, Birch and Eucalyptus trees, when the hole turned right, the 15^th green appeared surrounded by beautiful white sand traps. The contrast of the dark green trees, the light green grass and the white sand traps assaulted my senses.

I walked slower.

I walked once again up more steepness (yes, my knees hurt), I came to the sixteenth tee box, from on top you could see down two hundred yards to the green and sand traps below, walking down the steep cart path was painful, but my gate slowed more due the scene then the pain. When I finally arrived at the last tee box, which was a hundred and fifteen yards to the green, I noticed the very steep slope of grass that cascaded down the remaining hill, with no one around I lowered my body down on the slop, laying out flat with my head back staring at the hole in the sky with its penetrating sun beams.

I was in heaven. A golf course, a beautiful skyline, birds flying as if choreographed, an invigorating breeze, lying down, praying, thanking, thinking, and remembering my family who loved the game of golf. My mind wondered from my youth to my future.

I was alone but surrounded by joyful, pleasant thoughts, I became more thankful to God. As I soaked in the sun, I heard something, I lifted my head a little and cocked my ear, nothing, or was it something, I almost laid back down but felt a presence, I rolled onto my stomach and peaked back over the edge to the tee box, there it was, a human teeing up his ball, which would shortly be flying directly over my head. I arose slowly because of my knees hoping all the while that the man was one of those kibitzing golfers who took a lot of time to address his ball. He was.

I finally made it my feet and walked sideways as far as I could before he hit the ball, I angled upwards to get out of his sight (golfers hate people in their vision while hitting a golf ball), he didn’t notice, he didn’t speak, was it his voice I heard, was it just sounds he made getting his clubs. He had to be a member and members don’t like citizens on the golf course, but he didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at me. As I watched him hit and walk down towards the green pulling his golf cart, I became aware that perhaps he never saw me.

Weirdly, as he walked away out of sight so did the sun beam. My time in the sun was over.

As I walked very slowly home, I realized that my pants were soaked, and my smile felt permanent. I knew that for a few moments I stole ultimate joy from the day, I thought about being too busy to see these precious moments.

As I walked home with squishy pants, I couldn’t help thinking how mad my mom would’ve been if I’d come  home with dirty, wet pants, all I needed was to have a frog in my pants to cap off the moment.

It isn’t often that nature captures your youth, and when it does you need to savor it. I made a vow to spend more time with my pants on the ground, it only takes a few moments, but if you put your pants on the ground it will be priceless.

Marriage Tip #6 “Marketing Myopia”

   Marketing myopia is referring to business who are short sighted and inward looking, who’s approach to marketing focuses on the needs of the firm instead of defining the firm and its products in terms of the customers' needs and wants, firms get trapped in this bind because they omit to ask the vital question, "What business are we in?"

What business are you in?

More correctly, “What purpose does God have you on this earth for?”

Rick Warren has made about one hundred million dollars off of his book “The Purpose Drive Life,” that helps people understand the key components to a happier life though finding their created purposes, Warren’s book is not designed to help marriages, as it fails to address how having a purpose, or the lack of having a purpose affects marriages. Well, I’m not going to get any money for this tip but it’ll be priceless.

Companies that have marketing myopia are inward looking and not outward like they’ve been created to be, the same holds true for human beings, we are created for a purpose, but myopia ruins this purpose, as it does marriages. Marriages have two created occupants, who together are supposed to create a stronger outward focus for their lives, but two inward looking souls are worse than one because both of their myopia creates another “I” problem, “cross-eyedness.

When a person is myopic, they get a little undone when the world is not focused on them, when two myopic people live together, they become cross with each other…often. Not finding a solution to their crossness they go to counseling, which of course helps them focus once again on themselves. But if the counselor has enough time, and the two myopic people submit to helping each other out, earthly peace can come into focus again.

But…they are still myopic, just now it’s on the couple instead of themselves, good ground gained, but not great ground gained. God wants a married couple to be stronger than a single person in reaching out to the least, the less and the lost of the world, when all we do is exist for ourselves, or our marriages, myopic cross-eyedness will arise as surely as the morning sun.

Read Matthew 25: 14-46...go ahead read all of it, like our vegetables, it will be good for you.

Marriages are almost always in trouble because of their myopic self-marketing, when people don’t use their gifts and talents to help others, they melt into a personal pool of thick, muddy self meisms, their marketing will be “Me, me, me, what about my feelings, me, me, me hungry for more me attention, meeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Missionaries have the best marriages in the world for a reason, they know how to market themselves, and it’s called “Customer Focused.” They know why they are here, they are created and built for service to others, and little hardships don’t bother them. They don’t fall apart because some "me thing" hasn’t been met on time.

Christian couples, why are you here? If it was for self pleasure God would have taken you home upon your conversation, you’re here to serve. Do it, and it will transform your marriage, as well as other peoples lives. 

What business are you in, and what’s your marketing focused on?

Marriage Tip #5 “Know Your Needs”

Whenever I’ve talked to young, future pastors who’ve asked me for some tips on knowing the right things to say, and the right questions to ask for best uncovering who they were getting into bed with regarding the leadership, I’ve always responded the same, “You can’t,” doing interviews with elders, and vice a verse, is like going on first dates with girls you don’t know.  Everyone’s got bows in their hair, lipstick on just right, no smears, the perfect presentable dress, and always minding their “Ps and Qs,” as well as not acting like gluttons at the restaurant , it’s impossible to know what you’re actually signing up for. Pasturing a church is a lot like getting married, if you don’t know each other you’ll never see what’s below the serf ice, and what you don’t see can sink a Titanic of a relationship.

Why do arraigned marriages have such a better success rate than gooey eyed marriages, I think it’s because the arranged marriages don’t expect much other than mutual civility, and they know they have to find out who each one is, while the gooey ones think the gooey stuff will continue and last as long as the fake make-up.

Pastoring for thirty years has brought me an inordinate amount of laughter, none more than when officiating at weddings. I almost can’t keep a straight face when the gooey eyed ones drool over themselves while reciting their “Tell death do us parts.” I know that they don’t have a clue as to what they are committing to, when they say “For better or worse,” for I know too well that it will later be amended to “That’s the last straw buckaroo, geet yo stuff and yo mule outta da house.”

One of the greatest helps in keeping your mule in the house is to know your stuff. By knowing your stuff I mean to say that each of you need to know what makes “YOU” tick.

Most of us don’t know what makes the “Us” in the “We” tick, much less our partners. Women and men are not playing on a level playing field, women, you have titled the field up hill, with you up the hill, and the man up the creek, to make the field even more difficult to play on, we strewn the field with each one’s dirty laundry that’s been kept in the black holes of the homestead.

But there is great news. If each of you can find out what your stuff is, you’ll have a super chance at cleaning up the messy confusion.

Here’s what you need to do, take some savings and buy a book, then do the book together, especially the needs finder, then put your big adult clothes on, and act like adults, listening to each other’s needs. Then, here’s the kicker, then you get to cattier as best as you can to your partners needs.

The book to buy is “His Needs, Her Needs,” by Willard F. Harley. Carol and I, as well as Mark and Keri Posthill have been using this book for years, it is a great book on finding out what your needs is.

Look, here’s the deal in marriage, each of us give kindnesses that would be pleasing to ourselves, but what we don’t know is that they don’t satisfy another person who’s lacking our same needs. The book is a discovery book in finding out what makes you tick, once this is done then each of you share what your type five needs are and how best to meet those needs, this is done through talking about them.

Maybe this illustration would be of a help. Billy and Blanche have been having a dry spell in their marriage for about eleventeen years, then one day Blanche buys the His Needs, Her Needs book and convinces Billy that the book will enhance their sex lives, Billy is all in. Once they get into the book Billy finally understands that being silent isn’t what Blanche needs, she likes gifts, especially gifts with silver and plastic are combined, so one day Billy is perusing through a medical book at the Doctors office and discovers some beautiful pictures of replacement knees, which have both shiny metal knee caps as well as beautiful plastic meniscuses, all of sudden Blanche comes to mind. Soon Billy orders away for some knees and wraps them for Blanche, Blanche opens them with a joyful squeal, oh, how thoughtful Billy, I love you so much, let’s go out and have a grand time out on the town, Blanche then showers him with kisses of which he’s unfamiliar.

Now their marriage is no longer in a dry spell because Blanche had her kneeds met, and Billy’s too.

And all because they knew themselves first, by knowing thyself, you can best describe what is needed, when each of you do this all that is needed is the ability to be nice to your soul mate according to their needs, cool huh?

Knowing and explaining your needs is the best way to take off all the fake make-up of the dating years. Now you can stand before God and make some real vows, tell death do you part. Cool huh?

Marriage Tip #4 “Make I Contact”

Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.

Denying blame or responsibility for marital discord is what I call “Not Making I Contact.” This of course has its roots in childhood “dodging the bullet” responses when we were caught by our parents for doing something naughty, yet we denied any blame despite the accuracy of the parental eye. One of the funniest forms of this has been seen countless times in “America’s Funniest Videos,” when a little tyke has chocolate all over his/her face, or lip stick, as well as all over the walls and furniture, but since the deed was done in secret, with no body caught them red handed, they deny the fact, despite evidence to the contrary.

Here is a pretty cool scripture that lets us know the birthing of our faith comes through our submission to God’s revelations about our sin life, without which we have no abundance in this life or the next one.  

2 Tim 4:4 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: 2 Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage — with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

The great numbers of teachers bellowing after us during our marital discords are the thousand inner voices of our childhood denial, yes, Satan goes after this small fault in us.

Without the ability to accept blame, there can never be growth, or peace. Denial of the facts (Facts can be when a number of people tell you the same thing, including your spouse, as well as the "Still small voice of God" trying to whisper truth into us.) is one of the most repeated acts in facing responsiblity for our spilled milk, unfortunately every day offers new challenges for not making "I" contact.

What to do?

Act like a King.

From King David in Palms 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

The abundant life only comes through making “I” contact.  Our voice for help for our tickling ears is the ancient one calling us through a new twist on King Davids plea: “Search YOU, I know your heart, I’m testing you and I know your anxious thoughts. You need to search each morning and evening to know if there is any offensive way in YOU, and if you do this I will lead you to the Promised Land. I'm fighting for you to have the marriage I designed for you, you can do it, just make a little "I" contact, be careful, Satan's "I" is on you."