Marriage Tip # 2: "IF YOU GET HISTORICAL, YOU'LL GET HYSTERICAL"

(Marriage Tip #1: Shocking the Rat can be seen in an earlier post)

One of the funniest human quirks that keep marriages frozen in frustrating turmoil is a communication faux pas that everyone uses to their disadvantage. It’s what I call “historical recall.” By this I don’t mean dragging past sins up when arguing, like “don’t talk to me about disrespecting you when you committed the affair (ten years ago) on me and disrespected me, God, and our vows.” This type of historical recall is for another marriage tip, not today’s.

Let me set up a scenario that will help showcase the historical tip I’m addressing today, this one goes like this: A couple comes home from a party and the wife, Blanch, will say “I can’t stand the way you treated me at the party, you always do the same thing, you never change, you disgust me,” then the Blanches husband Billy will say “What are you talking about, don’t talk about me, you never, ever show me respect, ever.” Then the Blanch will say “Are you out of your tree, I wash your socks, pick up you disgusting underwear, and put up with you idiot video games you play all the time, I show you respect by not stomping on your childishly, time wasting, Nintendo games.”Then Billy says “I don’t always play Nintendo games, I play them once in a blue moon, and don’t talk to me about wasting my time, what about you, and your mindless, money wasting, weekly, time sucking Bunko nights, what a waste of time, all you do is eat, gossip, and loss my hard earned money to a bunch of your time wasting women friends.”

The night goes on, and on, as does the meandering, random rock throwing, usually until the fighting escalates into screaming, tears, leading Blanch, Billy, or both, to saunter off unleashing their final communication weapon, “You’re as good as dead” silence. One night becomes many, and many nights like this can lead to a final night straw.

Did you notice anything that was very familiar, but damaging about their conversation?

Oh, and by the way, if you think I made this scenario up, and embellished it you wrong, only Blanch and Billy were made up, I’ve seen this exact type of interaction between spouses a hundred times in counseling, and many much worse, if it wasn’t so painfully damaging, it would be hilarious.

Let me explain what happened to Blanch and Billy. When Blanch tried to tell Billy that he hurt her feelings at the party she used two automatic argument triggers, history and definitiveness. Billy responded with them as well.

Definitiveness: Always and never.

History: Bringing up any event, or day, that wasn’t related to the night’s situation.

We are all children trying to escape finger pointing, when a spouse points out a hurtful thing we do, we automatically travel back into our childish modes of escaping blame, as well as camouflaging our faults. We grantee our spouses argumentation when we use “Always and Never.” Since nobody, “always or never” does anything, we actually give them bullets to fire back at us, and so on, and so on.

The same goes with history, when we move away from the night’s offense, we assure a night of mass confusion and arguing. The circle of unlife continues until the crime reapers of the last straws come.

Here’s what should take place when grownups discuss a problem by staying on point, and using stay on point words.

Blanch should have said “Billy, tonight you hurt my feelings, and embarrassed me in front of our friends when you said my ears are like a Volkswagen parked on the street with its doors open, I’m really upset, my face got flushed, my heart started beating like I was a rabbit being chased by a dog, and I wanted to hide from all the saucer like eyes of our friends.” Billy then should, and could have said, “Your right Blanch, I’m sorry, I did it to make people laugh, making people laugh always validates me, but I did it at your expense, I’m very sorry, please forgive me, I promise not to do that ever again, what can I do to make this up to you?”

More dialogue will take place, but if you avoid definiteness, history and escapism's you’ll stand a great chance of making a legacy of good history for your children, friends and selves.

When arguing, act grown up, use big people words, stay on point, acknowledge the wrong, dedicate yourself to honoring your mate by listening, and don’t use definitive words, or history that produces hysteria. Trust me, this tip always works.

"I'm Normal, So You're Not"

Today, Sunday, February 6th, I was home sick, after Carol left for Church I decided to have worship by myself, so I got on the Internet and found Stonecreek's web sight which has Dr. Joe Grana's scripture and theme for today's worship service. I did not look at Dr. Grana's title theme, but I did look at his text, and drafted my own title, with three points, and the So Now What conclusion I've always had at the end of my teachings. The three points and So Now What are, what I believe are what the Lord has impressed upon me for spiritual action within my soul, as well as out in the world.

Below is my simple home worship service today with the Lord and His Holy Spirit. I had my prayer time written down but have decided not to post it because that type of thing can look contrived.

·         Preaching text for Sunday, February 06, 2011.

·         Teacher is Dr. Joe Grana, Stonecreek’s interim pastor.

Mark 14: 1 Now the Passover and the Feast of Unleavened Bread were only two days away, and the chief priests and the teachers of the law were looking for some sly way to arrest Jesus and kill him. 2 "But not during the Feast," they said, "or the people may riot." 3 While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head. 4 Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? 5 It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

6 "Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 7 The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. 8 She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. 9 I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

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·         My title from the text:  Religious Racism, or “I’m normal, so you’re not.”

·         My three main points from Mark 14:1-9:

1.      People have, and will always have, hate for Jesus because of His oppositional presence against their personal ideologies (1. system of social beliefs: a closely organized system of beliefs, values, and ideas forming the basis of a social, economic, or political philosophy or program. 2. meaningful belief system: a set of beliefs, values, and opinions that shapes the way a person or a group such as a social class thinks, acts, and understands the world.), they will always to try kill his impact and influence on the world.

2.       Good religious people can miss understand others who worship differently; sometimes we are racist of faith who try and kill the spirit of those we deem lesser accurate than us. What is normal faith? We view lavish financial praise as a waste of money that should be spent on the poor. But, I believe grand gestures of faith can be coupled with grand gestures of helping the poor. The church and her hands are a signal to the world that there is an invisible God who is felt in the senses and one who leads His people to sensory helps.

3.       Average people of the faith will be viewed by Jesus as the super faithful; he will praise them at the heavenly check in counter for all to watch. Those names will be known for eternity. Jesus praises them.

So Now What?  What do I do with the truths God has unfolded for me today though His word?

1.       I must never judge other Christians faith demonstrations; I’m not the norm, there is no “Normal.”

2.       I need to remember that the world will always oppose Jesus, and any who worship Him, it’s in their ideological genes. We must be patient and loving to all who oppose God’s truth. Love is the only change agent that God uses, not hate. For I was once one of them, and loving, patient effort led me to the light.

3.       I need to try and humbly serve him behind the scenes; He knows who the faithful are. I need to continue to find my new, simple platform of service, and serve him humbly, while being at peace with His callings for me.

Marriage Tip #1: SHOCKING THE RAT

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

In seven years of college, thirty years of pastoring, and forty years of marriage I’ve learned some things that can take marital life from bad to good and from good to great.  I won’t spend a lot of time on why these tips are important, the 50% divorce rate, as well as your own knowledge on marriages potential risks should be enough to peak your interest.

The Tip: Don’t Shock the Rat

 In all corners of life, from our earliest years in school, to working in the business world, we’ve always had a plan before us, tasks couldn’t be accomplished without them, in school we had syllabuses, in the business world, corporate meetings fill the bill. These plans are usually pressed upon us by the school or businesses.  Think about it, our days, weeks, and months, are marked out ahead of us, all we have to do is do A, then B, then C, and do them on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. In order for life to run smoothly we have calendars, cell phone reminders, post-it-notes, a secretary, a spouse, or bosses helping us follow the plan.

We even have to have massive organization to handle our kid’s sports, and activities. Children aren’t just adorable little children, they are super stars performing on many and varied stages, and our lives are filled with the joy they receive from them, and we for watching them, but scheduling van rides, practices, pick-ups, drop-offs, and the games themselves, three kids, three sports, one day, two parents, two cars, what to do? Why Schedule of course, we survive and thrive off of planning. Can you imagine what our lives would be like if we had no plans, no schedules,  and our days were helter skelter, random, and unknown? They would be a mess.

To be successful we’ve planned out every part of our lives, except that is, for our marriages. With marriage we have no plan; we live like accidental tourists on a foreign land, our main strategy is hope, and hope is a bad strategy. Let me tell you a true little story about the importance of having a plan for our marriages, one that includes when to discuss big issues, little issues, serious problems, and life’s challenges.

The story is about a bunch of rats, and for this story you can put yourself with them in the gages. This rat story truth can be applied to all relationships, not just marriages, but they are especially affective in marriages.

The story was told to me in my “Pastoral Counseling” Masters Class, the context of the story was “What is the biggest hurdle marriages face when dealing with disagreements?”The professor said “It’s that marriages shock the rat daily.”

Shocking the Rat:

A few years ago scientists did an experiment with healthy, white lab rats, their cages were set at a perfect temperature, as well as having plenty of food, water and soothing music, they even had a turning play wheel for their amusement, the only caveat was that they attached tiny electrodes to shock the rat at random times, the rate of the shock stayed the same, as did the number of shocks. The scientists soon knew what the rat knew, life was hell. The rats first lost their desire to play on the wheel, than their appetites diminished, soon after they started losing their hair, then they turned angry, biting the cages, then themselves. The shocks were never enough to kill the rats, just enough to throw them in a tailspin.

After some time the scientist switched the experiment, the shock levels stayed the same, as did the amounts in the day, the only difference was they put the shocks on a timer, soon the rat’s inner clock determined when the next shock was coming, they would stop what they were doing, brace themselves, get shocked and go on with their day. Day after day this went on, same levels, same amounts, but now the shocks were structured. The rat’s coats came back; their playing came back, as did their appetites, as well as the loss of biting.

Soon the scientists saw that the rats would be playing on the wheel, jump off, brace themselves, get shocked and get back on the wheel and play like nothing had ever happened.

The scientist findings?  Rats need structure in handling life’s shocks. The reason for the experiment was to find out how we humans might better handle our marital shocks through intentional structuring.

The professor was a Doctor with a counseling practice; he suggests to all his married clients that they need to structure a set day to handle issues and disagreements, preferably a date night, with simple listening tools in place. I suggested that I recommend couples use a dateless weekly calendar, so they can organize their lives and discuss important issues as they would in a business meeting, but I went even further, I suggested they calendar who watches their television shows on what days and times, instead of watching the husbands attack the remote buttons like they were hot to the touch, I even suggested intimacy dates on the calendar, no shocking the rat stuff here.   

Married life is filled with random, untimed, and unwelcomed shocking the rat moments. Husbands having a tough day, drive home looking for their safe, nurturing environment, often times find their wives wants to address his important stuff, like his sloppiness, overdue bills, the faucet is leaking, the car is making a funny noise, their son has an ear ring, their daughter a new tattoo, or he needs to run an errand before he kicks off his shoes and puts his slippers on, all small shocks for sure, but shocks never the less. This scenario happens constantly to both spouses, life is random enough without us hoisting unexpected problems, criticisms and suggestions on each other, frustration on both sides can set in, and when things don’t get addressed or discussed in a calm way, a shocking the rat cycle becomes cage fighting.

The Tip: Pick a day to discuss big issues, mark your calendar with times you want to be shocked. You’ll expect them and you will handle them a lot better because you know that the shocking day is coming, you can plan for it, pray over it, read soothing Psalms about it. You are smarter than rats, right. Don’t shock the rat randomly anymore, pick your shocking moments, plan for them, pick your day and put it on a calendar, you’ll eat better, look better, feel better, be happier, and probably mate better.

 

Reading God’s Word Daily?

Having recently retired from thirty years of pastoring people of all cultures, I was witness to a pandemic.

Having recently come from a serving for two months on a terrific International missionary training base in Hawaii; I was witness to a pandemic.

The smallpox pandemic disease killed an estimated 400,000 Europeans per year during the closing years of the 18th century (including five reigning monarchs), and was responsible for a third of all blindness. Of all those infected, 20–60%—and over 80% of infected children—died from the disease. Smallpox was responsible for an estimated 300–500 million deaths during the 20th century.

No one knows exactly how many people died during the 1918-1919 influenza pandemic. During the 1920s, researchers estimated that 21.5 million people died as a result of the 1918-1919 pandemic. More recent estimates have estimated global mortality from the 1918-1919 pandemic at anywhere between 30 and 50 million. An estimated 675,000 Americans were among the dead.

A pandemic (from Greek πᾶν pan "all" + δῆμος demos "people") is an epidemic of infectious disease that is spreading through human populations across a large region; for instance a continent, or even worldwide.

The world wide Christian community pandemic I’ve witnessed is…forgiveness.

Guilt, shame, and un-assured are the people of God, while they yearn for assurance, their unable to accept God’s truth about the matter. We are sinners; we get that, we are forgiven; we state that, we feel bad; and that’s that.

Part of the cause is that I think the new God family impression can’t overcome the old family impression.

Kids spend their entire lives with a very natural failing disease of guilt; we’ve failed at school work, house work, and kindness to siblings, as well as potty mouths, potty thinking, and a mountain full of disobediences, not to mention another mountain full of adolescence dabbling in things immoral and unethical, as we’ve tried to find ourselves, we’ve found sins imbedding guilt.

Youth failings seem to reside in our souls like dirt in a child’s ears. Then when the miracle of accepting the invisible Christ does happen, we are just as quickly beset with a new mountain range of does and don’ts marking our way, coupled with our family yoke, we live half submerged in guilt, no matter how good we are, we really can’t grasp in our hearts God’s good news press about us.

Jesus experienced the temptations of sin in order to “sympathize with our weaknesses (sins),” He doesn’t condemn us through them, they are there to express no matter what we’ve done, we are forgiven, now be thankful, joyful and accepting of my love, He says.

As an example of this false guilt, let’s address one small issue we Christians face daily, reading the bible. Do you feel guilty about not reading God’s word every day? Why? Most of the known world throughout history have been illiterate, plus the bible wasn’t brought out to the public until the 18^th century, since these are both true, do you think God thinks we are not good Christians because we don’t read His word every day? Did He not love those who never had His word, does He condemn those today who can’t read, yet have a believing faith?

Shouldn’t we think God is pretty astounded that we even believe in His invisibleness, much less tithe, attend church, go to a home group, serve His church, serve others because of Him, and try to submit to His teachings?  Didn’t Christ say the same thing when He said to doubting Thomas who just felt Jesus wounds and professed his belief “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Why does the Christian world keep weeping over the same old stuff, if we’ve confessed our sins, He forgives, get over it, go on, be happy, quit weeping over, and over again, about past and current failings.

We are a miracle of faith. We are loved, God is pretty amazed at our straining after the invisible world. We should live like we are amazing, this is wild stuff, think about it, do you rotate your life around God in the slightest, if so, then know that you are knocking the socks off the Trinity.

If you can’t live in forgiveness, and are always feeling a little shame over stuff, you will throw this up on others in the form of not forgiving them, guilt mongers are guilt ridden people, hurt people, hurt people. If you don’t love sinners you aren’t living in forgiveness.

Didn’t read God’s word today? Feeling a little bad about it? Maybe it’s the demons of guilt and shame that are coming out of the ground of your old family story, what you need to do is rebuke them in the name of your new family story, the good news one, the forgiveness one, the God story of pretty amazing love.

Listen, if you feel guilty about not reading God’s word, what you are going to do with all the other guilt stuff. Joy and confidence should be our trade mark, grace, our God tattoo for the entire world to see. Christians are the most amazing people on earth, but if we keep living in false guilt and shame we will never be infectious, who wants to be like us if all we do is weep and mourn over past sins which Jesus clearly cleaned the slate over long, long ago.

Live in this love and you’ll throw it up on others, trust me, it’s in God’s word, I read about one day.

Below are a few sinners I've known...

LIVING A DREAM

The Practice of Writing: The critical use of an outline: Clear, short, and to the point.

The subject: Living a Dream.

The Outline:

1.       A Dream Come True: Visiting new friends and experience their city of Vancouver.

2.       Planning the days and times of our trip & purchasing airfare

3.       Preparing

4.       Flying

5.       Our Goal: See Vancouver and Whistler, and enjoy our Canadian Friends.

1.       THE DREAM: VISITING NEW FRIENDS AND EXPERIENCING VANCOUVER:

Have you ever had a dream come true, not a sleep dream, but an awake one that is more a hope, wish, or desire you didn’t think possible? Like, I wish I could travel some day to Paris, then years later you get to go to Paris. It’s this that I’m talking about when I say that going to Vancouver has been a small dream come true, especially since the 2010 Winter Olympics were televised from Vancouver, British Columbia.

Pre our retirement, Carol asked me” If money weren’t an object what would you like out of the rest of your life?” I said “I would retire in a minute, travel the world, and write important books.” But this was too dreamy, we couldn’t retire due the money thing, nor travel or write, but then retirement became financially feasible, traveling became cheap thru our missionary supportive work, and writing became my new job, time was now my allies.

Vancouver is filled with our new missionary support friends we met on the Kona base. So during a Skype conversation, they said “why don’t you guys come up for a visit…now, drop everything and come, we’ll go to Mission Fest with our other friends from Kona, see a Toby Mac concert, go to our church, and stay overnight at Whistler.” We looked at each other and said “Why not, let’s do It, it would be a dream come true.” New places to see, new friends to enjoy, and new experiences as trophies. 

2.       PLANNING & PURCHASING:

Planning the flight was left to me since I don’t work anymore. I checked airlines directly, as well as Orbit, Cheap Flights, and Priceline, Priceline won by about $6.00. Online tickets are a hassle, not worth the six bucks, but I was in it to deep to quit. Hours passed by like they would if you were getting stung by bees the whole time, but we got cheap flights (not the 40% discount Priceline advertizes for “Name your own Price,” it was more like 6%), but it was still cheaper than all the others. The tickets were $206.00 each, I bid $100.00, they said “that’s too low, bid again,” I bid $125.00, they said “that’s too low, bid again,” I said $150.00, they said “too low, bid again,” I said $200.00, they said “Congratulations, you have successfully bid your own price,” I said “Huh?”

We’re on an airline I’ve never heard of, West Jet, I check some comparisons, and they check it out as a three star coach style of plane. After forty-five minutes, we are still in the air, so far so good. They served free drinks, cookies, and snacks, plus we have one seat between us. Everything about the airline has been a dream come true: Quick and easy counter check-in, easy boarding, easy boarding, and a quick two hours and thirty minute flight; we are looking forward to an easy landing, if this doesn’t happen then the $6.00 I saved on “Naming my own price” will have not been worth my bartering, but we are trusting the Lord, which is always a dream come true.  

3.       PREPARING:

Carol and I don’t put much of an effort into prep work for traveling. We started packing for our winter, seven day trip an hour and a half before we left for the airport. No prepping a week before a trip for us, no two days before, not even the day before, just a couple of hours.  Why bother with all the early prep, it seems to me that is excess worry and a lack of trust in your own closet knowledge?  Doesn’t everyone know where their cloths are; don’t they know what to wear in the winter or summer?  How long does it take to rip cloths off a hanger and fold them into a suit case, the same goes for knowing where your suit case lives, you don’t need a GPS for this stuff, cloths and suitcases don’t have to made by hand for a trip, just find out where they live, bring them in the same room, and marry them. Anything over a couple of hours for prepping for traveling is a lack of faith in oneself.

We know people who can’t attend events on a Wednesday because they are going on a trip the following Monday, they say “We need to pack for trip.”

I think it’s a good idea of the Lord’s that He doesn’t tell us when He’s coming to take us to heaven, we would stop all Kingdom work days ahead to pack.”

Last minute packing is like having a butler, in a flash it’s done. 

We pack one bag each, one carry-on between us that has a computer, a handful of books, two bags of chips and couple of writing pins, boom, done. Throw them in the back of the car and head to the airport, we arrive one hour ahead of departure, we get a breakfast sandwich to split, sit down and eat in almost a Zen state, relaxed, rested, and worry free, plus we are able to digest our food because our stomachs aren’t churning from stress. All this because we’re not bone weary from days of packing, days of packing, how is that possible anyway, that would be a nightmare.

4.       FLYING:

Something to read, something to write, an empty seat between us to hold our stuff, easy, quick and comfortable, aside from Priceline, this whole trip is really a dream come true, if we can pull off two safe landings the whole Priceline $6.00 savings will be worth it, if not, the six bucks savings will be wasted. We’ll see. Oh, oh, here we go, flaps down, trays up, seats in the up-right position, we are coming in for our first landing $3.00 discount landing.  

5.       Our Goal: Seeing Vancouver and Whistler, and enjoying our Canadian friends.

It is now seven days later, we are at the Vancouver airport (which is the most beautiful airport on earth), and we are waiting to go home, our first $3.00 discount landing was worth it, now we are pulling our thoughts about our trip.

Wow, what an awesome trip, the Raible’s house was super awesome; they had a downstairs set-up made for me, our private seating, T.V. area, coffee maker, and great bed.

We walked a dike, shopped in a sea-side market, had the most amazing prime-rib lunch, took the Sky-Train, took the Sea-Train, surprised our other Canadian friends (so much fun, priceless really), walked Stanly Park’s  Sea-Wall (truly, truly, the most beautiful walk ever, Vancouver is the prettiest big city I’ve ever seen. We went to a Toby Mac concert that was the funnest ever, Wow!

We went to a great little church, went to Whistler for a couple of days and went to the very top of Whistlers than we took the Peak-2-Peak tram covering three suspensions miles across the Blackcomb peak, than down the chair lifts. The sun, the warmth, the crystal blue skies, wow, wow, wow, WOW!

Here are some pictures, courtesy of our photographer Ron Raible…

EMPTY PLACES (A metaphor for marriages).

A few rainy days ago when Southern California was its old sunny self, my wife Buckwheat and I took a little road trip to Balboa Island in our Roadster, the idea behind the trip was to decompress after spending two months of demanding physical labor at "Youth With A Mission's" (YWAM)  training base in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. The forty hour work weeks were tough, but soul defining causing us much to ponder during our retirement start up.

Once on the Island we parked and started walking around the Island, which was as much for exercise of body, as spirit, there is something peaceful about walking around quaint, and not so quaint beach homes. Our goal on the walk was to circumvent the Island and we talk about the important things in our life, and Hawaii's two month impact on our future, we now had new friends, challenges and impacts.

Beside our communication, we  also had a physical target, the Ferry. The Balboa Island Ferry takes both cars and pedestrians across the Balboa inlet separating the island from the peninsula. The peninsula is filled with equally beautiful homes as the island, but it has the Pacific Ocean, a pier, and a boardwalk filled Fun Zone filled with an eye-popping vistas, a Ferris Wheel, Arcades, super quick,  junk food places, good, and not so good restaurants, cheap, and not so cheap clothing stores, plus a fine display of human diversity, from beach-type people, to the street people who've excelled at poor choices, and to visitors like us.

The ferry's job this day, was, for us anyway, to take us from the tranquillity of our walk and talk , to the cheap and wacky, which all Fun Zone's hold with their collective noises, views, and bewilderment's.  Since our lives are daily crowded with the serious and the silly, we didn't see any reason to thin out the day to just the sublime. Cheap food and thrills were to be the dessert of the day.

"THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING."

This is the biggest of all Christmas’s for the Worthington family. Tuesday, December 14, at 12:00 P.M. Heather, Zhenya, Ryan and Zhenya’s mom, Raesa (Rye-e-sa)come to America for the Holidays, and Zhenya’s American citizenship oath swearing, the oath swearing will take place Thursday, December 16^th at L.A. Convention Center.

Zhenya got his driving license last time they were here, as well as studied for and passed the citizenship testing, both are quite impressive. Zhenya’s mom, Raesa, is coming to America and will experience an American Christmas for the first time. In a short few weeks, Raesa will expedience Zhenya’s oath, Christmas shopping, the Holiday lights and pomp of Christmas, as well as Christmas day with 15 people.

There will be a lot of translating for Zhenya and Heather, which is very tiring, and it will all add to the craziness of 8 adults and 7 grandchildren laughing, wrapping, eating, unwrapping and enjoying the holidays. What a miracle this all is.

Plus, Buckwheat and I are back from our two month mission work for YWAM in Kona, Hawaii.